2003-11-10 - 10:43 p.m.

This was quite possibly the most dramatic weekend of my life. I am reeling.

A good friend of mine from high school committed suicide Friday. I found out on Saturday. Still haven't quite come to terms with this. Richard was an amazing person. I'm not able to think about him gone. Anne Lamott says that "grief looks a lot like narcolepsy." This is pretty much playing out for me. I slept all day today--on and off. Can't quite wake all the way up. The funeral is tomorrow. Apparently he left several letters that his brother is going to share with us at the service. I can't decide if I want to know what they say or not. I really just want to have one more conversation with him. So many things I'd like to ask him. He was so brilliant and creative. I want to know what he thinks about some things. I wish I'd asked. I wish I'd told him. I think he knew I love him. I hope so.

Also this weekend, ironically, I fell in love. Head over heels. Ass over teakettle. Over my head deep. She is phenomenal. It is a very complicated situation because of different associations and circumstances. We are both currently seeing other people. People who would be hurt by the fact that we have fallen love. Friends. It is such a mess. I should be elated by the fact that this amazing person is in my life, but mostly I am frustrated by the fact that it can't just be easy. I am trying to have faith and patience that it will work out for us. We are so connected. I am amazed by this feeling. I am astonished that it could be like this. I am overwhelmed by all of it. This love is like a tiny little fragile thing--a crocus bud in the snow, a baby bird in the rain, a butterfly with wings wet from the cocoon--it could still fail. Sorry for all that cliche. Love does that. I hope that I will have the courage to stand with my heart. That we will be able to communicate with honesty and humility and kindness. That we will find our way through this maze to each other and be glad. I also hope that I will live a life that honors my friend, Richard. I hope I will understand why he needed to leave. I hope I can trust his decision.

Also, help me to honor the life of my friend and contact all the amazing people you know in your life and tell them that you love them. Ask them what they know. Hug them if it is possible. Please remember how dearly I love you.